Come and Get It (or Visa Versa)

McDonald’s has never really been my favorite of the fast food restaurants. What, with those lap scalding cups of coffee, pink slime “hamburgers” and their Big Macs with a caloric content just south of the daily calorie intake of the entire country of Burundi, it is hard to justify giving my money to a couple of giant, golden breast outlines.

I do have some very fond memories of childhood that took place at McD’s as I am sure everybody does. We were stupid then. Those were the days before nutritional information was available about all those fine products created by Ray Kroc, who, at least according to the recent movie “The Founder” starring Michael Keaton, basically defrauded the McDonald brothers and stole their business. Yes, the same Ray Kroc who was actually quoted as having said:

It’s easy to have principles when you’re rich. The important thing is to have principles when you’re poor.”

Back in the day, Wendy’s, Burger King, McDonald’s, Arby’s, White Castle, Kentucky Fried Chicken, A & W, Arthur Treacher’s Fish and Chips, Roy Rogers’, Royal Castle, Beef Corral, Red Barn, Big Boy, Hardee’s, Jack-in-the-Box and other now long forgotten fast food joints, had little trouble seducing customers to “pull up to the next window.” The new idea of fast food service was enough to bring us in. You could basically get a fat laden burger, order of oil soaked fries and a sugar loaded drink for less than a dollar. They hadn’t even thought to “supersize” the order, yet. The order, however, supersized US.

But, then, just in the nick of time, those of us raised on fast food got older, more health conscious and wiser to the evils of fast food resulting in all of the fast food restaurants deciding to carry only “Weight Watcher” approved meals, salads and protein shakes.

Ha ha ha. I’m only kidding. American’s change their fast food diet??? Despite putting on enough weight to sink the lost continent of Atlantis, we still eat the crap that they pawn off on us as fast “food.” We haven’t wised up a bit. In fact, the rest of the world has joined us in becoming obese and unhealthy, The difference now is, there is greater competition for your happy meal money. So recently, fast food eateries have had to come up with new ways to draw us over to the dark side of their drive-through windows.

For example, some of these slop factories have resorted to coming up with new taste sensations such as Pizza Hut Japan’s Flying Fish Roe Salmon Cream Cheese Pizza. One bite of this pizza’s edge, was claimed to unleash an oozing cream cheese and fish egg combination in your mouth. The pie itself is topped with scallops, crayfish, clams and shrimp. I, for once, am thankful that I am allergic to shellfish. I have thought of contacting Pizza Hut and asking if I can just order an Oozing Cream Cheese Pizza because there is nothing I want more than to eat something that oozes a white, creamy liquid!

If that is not enough to get you in the door, how about a Kuro Pearl Burger courtesy of Burger King, Japan? This delightful concoction comes with black cheese (which is actually dyed with bamboo charcoal) on a black bun and topped with squid-ink (yes, you read that right) in the onion-garlic sauce. Apparently, after eating this epicurean delight you can write your own suicide note with the ink in the onion-garlic sauce while you wait to expire.

And for dessert, you can drive right over to Dunkin’ Donuts, China for a Dried Pork and Seaweed Donut. Yum. Time to make the donuts with time left over to throw them in the trash before the store opens!

And, here’s one of my favorites: a cheese and marmite Panini brought to you by Starbucks, United Kingdom. Marmite is a brown, sticky spread made from yeast by-product. (I am guessing it is pretty much like Australia’s Vegemite which might be the most vile tasting purported food product ever produced on planet Earth). (See: Vegemite or Mitenot). Seriously, this stuff is sometimes used as mosquito repellent. I am not making that up!  Bon Appétit.

 You can probably see why these new products failed to bring in new customers and are, unfortunately no longer on the menu. But do not fear, here are some other things that have appeared in various fast food products!

While my fave, Costco, (best fast serve pizza!) may not really be considered a fast food restaurant, it does sell vast amounts of food at their food service bar. Several years ago a woman at the Irvine, California, Costco, purchased a hot dog while shopping and, after putting her condiments on the wiener, started eating. After taking a couple of bites she felt something unusual in her mouth. She then proceeded to pull out a live 9mm bullet.

“How horrible,” you are probably thinking to yourself. But wait. There’s more. The woman soon began experiencing abdominal pains and was taken to the hospital where it was discovered that she had swallowed another live round that had been in the hot dog. Doctors told her that she should try to let the bullet leave her body naturally (and presumably advised her to avoid bending over and farting least she blow her brains out). I’m guessing that the Great Costco Bullet Giveaway was not a great marketing success.

But, here’s one that has some possibility. A woman stopped at her local Burger King and ordered a chicken sandwich. After taking a bite of the sandwich she felt something strange in her mouth and proceeded to spit out a blue pill. She took the pill to a nearby fire station where it was determined the pill was hydrocodone, a fairly powerful painkiller. Another man found a pill in a fish sandwich. The pills were ultimately traced back to a restaurant employee who was subsequently sentenced to five years in prison, although no motive was ever determined. Just thinking but it’s my opinion that Burger King didn’t give this promotion enough time. I’m guessing sales of chicken and fish sandwiches would have gone through the roof had they given the promotion a little more support and allowed sufficient time for customers to become addicted to the sandwiches.

Until last week I would have said that my two favorite fast food restaurants would have to be Subway and Chipotle; both semi-healthy and they both allow me to basically build my own meal. They were my favorites until I ran across an article that immediately caused me to change my mind.

I was unaware that there is apparently something new on the menu at McDonald’s. According to the article, a 30 year old man and an, as of yet, unidentified woman, were seen engaging in oral sex in the dining room of a McDonald’s in Pennsylvania. I didn’t even know that was available. That item most assuredly will be a huge seller and is going to increase the number on the sign outside each McDonald’s store indicating how many have been served! I wonder if you can get that to go? And, can it be supersized?

It gives new meaning to another actual quote from Ray Kroc:

“We provide food that customers love, day after day after day. People just want more of it.”

Ray Kroc