Free Legal Advice is Worth What You Pay for It – Part Deux

As most of you know, while by night I am a “blogger” (using the broadest possible definition of that term), by day I am a practicing attorney with real clients. Back in October, 2015, I posted my first “legal advice” page entitled “Free Legal Advice is Worth What You Pay for It.

As I indicated in the original article, I have signed up for (meaning, I paid for) a website that allows people to post legal questions they may have and then attorneys can post responses to the questions hoping that the people who asked the questions will ultimately contact and hire them to resolve the problem that the original poster posted.

Because I could not answer these questions the way I really thought they should be answered directly on the website, I am re-posting some of the questions here with the answers I would have liked to have posted. Remember, these “legal” questions are being re-printed here exactly as they were posted. I have not doctored them or changed them in any fashion. God bless America!

  1. First time offender?

Okay, for someone who has never been in trouble as an “adult” would that be helpful in a lot of cases? Ranging from theft, fighting, robbery, and murder? For example, whatever the case may be, would never getting in trouble as an adult help?

Answer I would have liked to have posted:

So, let me get this straight. You have not been in trouble since you have become an “adult” but now you have committed murder. Not a problem. Your clean record as an “adult” should clearly outweigh any harm done by murdering someone. In fact, I think that in the jurisdiction in which you live, you are entitled to murder three people until your good conduct as an “adult” stops protecting you. That was Charles Manson’s mistake. He killed more than three people. Had he kept it to three or less, he would probably be working in politics; spokesperson for the President, no doubt. So, try to keep your murder rate under four and you should be fine.

  1. Dear Attorney, I would like to ask whether I can get a visa even though I have criminal records.     Ok, I have been convicted of a criminal offense and have charges pending against me other than a minor traffic violation: trespass, bomb threaten, and stalking, in Germany. I was in prison 6 times, total duration was appx. 7 months. I got fines, too. Would you help me to provide fta summary of the event(s) that led to my conviction (include dates), describe the sentencing assigned to me by the judicial system as a result of these convictions (i.e., jail sentence (indicate length of time), fine) what the current status of the above mentioned sentencing is (i.e., Is it completed (provide dates), probation schedule, and whether the incident can be expunged from my record or not. I wonder if the records can be expunged, so that I can study at Kent State University as a doctor. I am a Korean.

 Answer I would have liked to have posted:

Kim Jong-Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, is that you, again?

  1. Do I need an attorney?

On the highway, I tossed the last bite of a sandwich out the window at a car whose driver had cursed me out. The bread hit the side of his car. He is pressing criminal mischief charges. A complaint has been filed in Kettering Municipal. Officer said he saw something white and wet on the side of victim’s car. I denied the allegations. At this point I am wondering if I should just go in and face the music or if I should hire representation. Money, of course, is an issue. Likely the deciding factor. It was bread. Officer said no damage

Answer I would have liked to have posted:

I would strongly recommend that you find some “bread” to hire an attorney. Without an attorney you will probably be “toast” when you go to court. Frankly, your story sounds like a lot of baloney! The cop said it was “white and wet.” Ewwwww. That doesn’t sound like bread to me.

  1. What does it mean when a sherrif comes to your door to present papers to a resident of the home?

 is it a ploy to arrest the person thy are trying to present papers to?

Answer I would have liked to have posted:

If a “sherrif” comes to your door it means you are very lucky because it indicates that your local law enforcement agency is run by morons if that is what is painted on the police cruiser in which the “sherrif” arrived. On the other hand, if a “sheriff” had come to your door, it would have meant you were probably in some sort of trouble. Now if Omar Sharif comes to your door, be very frightened since he has been dead for some time so it might be a trick.

  1. I was arrested for theft which was not right in my eyes they officer did not read me my rights I want to get justice for me

 I had money on me to buy what I had it was all a misunderstanding from the store I was at I can why they thought I was stealing but was not trying to i even went to the cash register to pay for it this was in 2008 now it’s 2017 its been a while but I was wrongfully accused of this crime took me a long time to find out I was

Answer I would have liked to have posted:

So, let me see if I have this right; it took you nine … I repeat, NINE years, to realize that you were wrongfully accused of a crime that you claimed at the time you did not commit? And you didn’t use those NINE years to learn how to type periods at the end of your sentences? Appeal denied..”;??;:.!?

  1. Why would a prosecutor mispronounce my last name?

My last name was misspelled when I was originally booked in jail. It is the most common way it is misspelled, and also changes the pronunciation. It was fixed later. Although it didn’t bother me, a total of 5 different prosecutors mispronounced my last name each time I was called before the judge. I do not have a difficult last name to pronounce and it is extremely common. My defense attorney who knew me well and knew my name pronounced my last name the same as the prosecutor would incorrectly. What is the purpose of this? Are they trying to upset me, or mock me? I thought it to be weird that such “educated” people were unable to read a name and call my last name properly each court date. Eventually the bailiff would call my case and the judge always pronounced it properly.

Answer I would have liked to have posted:

Prosecutors are not as smart as normal attorneys. It is likely that the prosecutor’s mispronunciation of your “most common way it is misspelled” last name was unintentional and merely the result of their inherent stupidity. Or, it could have been that they simply read the “most common way [your name] is misspelled” and pronounced it the way that spelling changes the pronunciation. Or, as is most likely, they just don’t give a damn.

With regard to your attorney mispronouncing your name, you need to check to see if he/she used to be a prosecutor. That would explain his/her stupidity. Or, as is most likely, they just don’t give a damn.

It is very possible that there is a conspiracy underway to try to upset or mock you so that you would be so totally embarrassed about the way they are pronouncing your name that you would forget about how embarrassing it is to be charged with a criminal offense!!

7.  I am first time offender of Solicitation of prostitution. Got caught in a string operation. How do I make sure I don’t go jail?

Answer I would have liked to have posted:

Let me see if I have this correct. You have been charged with prostitution after getting caught in a “string” operation. So as far as I can tell, you were having your period which caused you to be arrested. Clearly they caught you “red handed!” It sounds to me that to avoid going to jail, perhaps your best bet would be to try to flee the State. Perhaps for a fast getaway you could ride your menstrual cycle.

8.  I’m considering entering into the escort field. Is it prostitution if we don’t plan on having sex but do?

Like if he hires me to go on a date with him or whatever they do with escorts. I don’t plan on doing it, I’m just worried that I might like a guy, get caught up in the moment, and end up in cuffs.

Answer I would have liked to have posted:

Don’t worry about ending up in cuffs. That’s just part of the “escort” experience. They usually come out long before the ending. Make sure you get the ones with the fur. They are much more comfortable. (Oops, is that too much information on my part?)

By the way, I sure would love to know where this “escort field” is located. Talk about a “Field of Dreams!”