VEGEMITE OR MITENOT

Since it does not appear that any other blogger is filling this void, it is apparently time for me to update all of you as to what is going on in Australia. You know, that place that used to be a penal colony but is now better known for being the place where more kangaroos empty their bowels than any other place on earth and where everyone wastes away the day playing their didgeridoos.

Well, when last we gave a report on what was holding the Aussies’ attention, it was about an attempt to rename the Australian dollar. (http://youmayhavehitafish.com/2015/11/) It doesn’t seem like that movement has gone anywhere.

But now some really serious events are occurring in the Australian economy that do not seem to be getting sufficient publicity here in the States.

By a show of hands, how many of you out there are aware of the fact that Australia is facing a nationwide shortage of garlic bread? (Give me a minute to count the raised hands … ummm, I see a total of two hands raised, and they don’t count because they belong to Paul Barnes and Andy Redden, who live in Australia and are actually feeling the fallout of the “Great Garlic Bread Famine of 2017.”)

How could such a catastrophe as a garlic bread shortage occur in these days of bountiful garlic and bread, you ask? According to the experts and those in charge of Australia’s formerly abundant warehouses of garlic bread, bits of plastic were found to have contaminated a major garlic bread supplier’s supply. This seems to have been verified by Australia’s “Department of Onions and Other Smelly Food.”

The manufacturer, who supplies garlic bread to such profuse garlic bread users as Pizza Hut, Dominos Pizza and some of the local supermarkets in Australia, ceased making the bread after pieces of plastic were discovered in a margarine blender filter.

What is especially surprising and most newsworthy is the fact that someone actually checked to see what is going in to a Pizza Hut or Dominos Pizza! Clearly Australian food regulations are more strict than here in the U.S.

Apparently this manufacturer is the only entity in Australia who has the recipe for making garlic bread, so there is going to be a shortage of this difficult to make epicurean delicacy.

In an effort to promote world harmony and to ease the garlic bread shortage before it comes to violence, I am going to provide all of you in Australia with a website that actually divulges the secret to making garlic bread: http://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/garlic_bread/

Whew! Crises averted. You’re welcome Australia!

Surprisingly, the second matter did not appear to cause a major stir on Wall Street or a run on American grocery stores similar to say, when Hostess originally announced the death of the Twinkie.

In the article I referred to at the beginning of this blog, I wrote a little bit about a truly vile product that somehow passes for food in Australia called “Vegemite,” a thick, dark brown Australian food spread made from leftover brewers’ yeast extract with various vegetable and spice additives. Sound good? Think again. It looks a little bit like a dark peanut butter. It tastes like Napalm.

I was actually stupid enough to try this stuff when Paul Barnes was somehow permitted to bring it into the U.S.(lax enforcement by The U.S Department of Homeland Security) and gave a bit to me. It is truly difficult to describe how noxious this product is, but let me try, and this is the truth: When asked what he thought of Vegemite, President Obama, ever the diplomat, stated, “It’s horrible.”

Another certain President, (who will remain nameless because I don’t want him tweeting fake news items about me) despite reportedly being into “golden showers,” won’t even permit Vegemite to touch him!

But how many of you were aware of the fact that for the past several years this abominable product has been owned by Mondelez International, Inc., an American company based in Illinois? In fact, Mondelez is the same company that owns and manufactures Oreo cookies and Cadbury chocolate!! (How can I get a job there?)

But now, after lo these many years, the company that makes the best cookie ever (Oreo) and the incomparable Cadbury Chocolate Rabbit (that presumably even craps chocolate pellets that taste great) couldn’t figure out a way to make Vegemite even close to being palatable. Mondelez has given up and has sold Vegemite back to the Aussies, along with several other Australian and New Zealand grocery products for a mere $345.3 million USD ($460 million AD or whatever the Australian unit of money is being called these days).

Clearly the Australians are being “ripped off” in this deal. My guess is that had they pushed hard enough, Mondelez would have agreed to pay the purchaser, Bega Cheese, just to take Vegemite off its hands and conscience.

It is unquestionably a win for the United States by getting this weapon of mass destruction out of our country.

It is a partial win for Australia in that, although they overpaid for the rights to Vegemite, at least the Aussies now have a product to feed to their man-eating crocodiles that will kill the croc immediately.

So, now, Australia, a country that by 1868, boasted that 40 per cent of its English-speaking population were descendants of convicts, is in control of Vegemite. I truly hope our new president sticks to his word and strengthens the laws on imported products. At least with respect to Vegemite!

And, hey, once the Aussies figure out how to make garlic bread, they can add some Vegemite and create a new dish. It can’t possibly be worse than Vegemite alone.

3 Comments

  1. Thank you for breaking up my perfect storm of depressing afternoon tasks … de-Christmassing (usually a March ritual in my house), paying bills, and reading the phrase “alternative facts” be uttered with a straight face by a person of my gender.

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