For the past several days I have been practicing my “red carpet” walk and rehearsing what my response is going to be when Melissa Rivers asks me “who are you wearing.” Right now that answer would be:
“Fruit of the Loom. Boxer/briefs. I apologize for the holes.”
You see I have been nominated for what I believe is tantamount to the Pulitzer Prize for blog writers, the highly suspect, questionably respected and mostly unknown, Liebster Award (That’s Liebster NOT Lobster.) I am preparing to book my flight to the site of the awards ceremony but, so far nobody can tell me where it is, when it is or even IF it is.
The status of the award aside, the fact of the matter is that, yes, I have actually, really and truly been nominated for the award. And the nomination was not made by Barbara, my kids or my mother. I am pretty sure my nominator is a living human being who has, at least as of today, not been committed to a mental institution. But I wouldn’t bet a lot of money on that.
“What is the Liebster Award?” you ask.
And my response is, “Beats the hell out of me.”
I was formally nominated by someone named Hammy who runs a website that is either called “The blah blahs and the yada yadas” or “Bsting lies, no papa.” You can go to his website and figure it out. http://www.hamishjoy.com/2016/08/08/bsting-lies-no-papa/ Anyway, thank you Hammy, I think.
Now, there are actually rules associated with the Liebster Award which I must follow in order to accept the award. Those rules are as follows:
- Write a blog about your nomination, displaying an image of the award.
- Thank the person who nominated you and, optionally, include a link to their blog.
- Answer the 11 questions that the person who nominated you asked you in his/her blog post.
- Nominate 5 to 11 other new bloggers who you think deserve this award and come up with 11 questions of your own for them to answer.
- List these rules in your blog post.
So, at this point I am 60% of the way to being an honest to God Libester Award winner: √ Write a blog. √ Thank you. √ List rules. I’m so excited.
Now, without further ado (because there is nothing I hate more than unnecessary ado), are my answers to Hammy’s questions:
- What is the funniest thing that ever happened to you?
After my friend George’s mother caught him alone in a somewhat embarrassing situation, George, my two other friends, Elaine and Kramer and I decided to create a contest to see who can last the longest without any sexual gratification. Temptation quickly set in for everyone. Kramer was the first to fall after ogling a woman across the street who walks around her apartment naked. George was next after he visited his mother in the hospital and her roommate got a sponge bath from a hot nurse that he could see through the curtain separating the two patients. Elaine signed up for a fitness class where none other than JFK Jr. was enrolled. Her fantasizing did the rest. I was doing great until my new girlfriend, Marla, decided it was time to lose her virginity but I had to explain the contest.
Oh, wait. That wasn’t me.
- What is a movie/book/band/singer you’re ashamed of liking?
1910 Fruitgum Company. (I have all of their hits.) Or, maybe its Bubble Puppy.
- What is your biggest weakness?
Red kryptonite (oops, I wasn’t supposed to let you know that. Now you may be able to guess my secret identity.
- If a woodchuck couldn’t chuck wood, why should it be called a woodchuck?
It shouldn’t. It should be called a Wouldn’tchuck.
- If you could travel back in time to any time for a day, where/when would you go?
I would go back one second in time. It was a wonderful time in my life. Wait now its two seconds. Now its three seconds…
- Which was the last meal you really liked that you did not regret having later on?
Hopefully I have not had my last meal, yet. Maybe you should ask Jesus. Or someone on death row.
- How did you name your blog/site? What’s the story behind that?
My fiancé got into my car and commented that it smelled funny. “You may have hit a fish!” she said. Don’t ask where she came up with that. I have no idea. P.S. My car does not double as a boat. And it does not smell funny!! Well, maybe a little funny.
- Which book are you reading right now? How would you feel if I told you the lead character dies in the end?
That would be absolutely horrible because I am reading the White Pages phone book!!
- What do you consider to be your most unusual talent?
My ability to not answer a direct question.
- If you had to pick individual characters from different TV series to create a new mix-n-match TV sitcom, which characters would you choose?
Ralph Malph, Ralph Cramden, Ralph Furley, Ralph Monroe, Ralphie May and Alf.
- If an alien civilization contacts you and says “Take me to your leader,” what would you do?
Introduce them to the Kardashian family. That should mess up their heads (however many they each have) for a looonnnggg freakin’ time.
My Nominations for The Liebster Award:
Joel Kravitz – “Life is a Limerick” The purpose of his poetry is to put a smile on peoples faces. He calls his stuff SMILE poetry. It is all about the smiles.
Ken Weber – “Sanity First” Ken gives you free financial advice and his opinion on the world. Entertaining and informative. And did I say it’s free?
“Random Blog” – Not sure who does this blog but it has some funny stuff. “Random” describes it as well as I could if I actually wanted to spend my time trying to describe it.
“Erica on the Edge” – Erica is a writer, editor, and publicist with more than 30 years of experience. She claims to have opinions about everything that need to be candidly and safely expressed. What safer place than on the Internet where the entire world can see it? Stuff we can all identify with plus humor.
“The Jackie Blog” – Once upon a time, there was a little, oddly-shaped hermit girl who lived in a small, hippie-inspired apartment in a big city far, far away from home. She had opinions on lots of things and felt like dedicating her life to a cause greater than herself. Without being able to go outside for fear of the stupidity of society and with nothing to contribute to the world but her loudmouthed mockery, she made a pact with herself to reignite her blog.
So, like it or not, you guys have hereby been officially nominated to receive The Liebster Award. If you want to write a post accepting the award, great. If not, that’s fine, too (although you would forever and a day be viewed as an ingrate by me, my respective heirs, executors, administrators, assigns, agents, servants, stockholders, employees, representatives, assigns and successors. But don’t lose any sleep over that).
And here are the questions I am just dying to know your answers to:
My Questions to You:
- Do you ever doubt the existence of other people on this earth, other than you?
- When you looked in the mirror the first thing this morning, what was the first thing you thought?
- What was the last furry thing you touched?
- Who would you really like to just punch in the face and why?
- If you eat yourself, do you become twice as big or do you completely disappear?
- If you could marry a fictional character, who would it be and why?
- Where’s Waldo?
- Do conjoined twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts? Explain your answer.
- What does PU stand for (as in “PU, that stinks!”)?
- Why do dogs like the smell of other dog’s butts?
- What would you refuse to do for one million dollars?
Well, there you have it. Enjoy your Liebster. I am having mine with some drawn butter and clam chowder.