Like It or Not

Up until just two or three days ago we all lived in what now must be considered to be either the “Golden Age” of Facebook or “The Dark Ages” of Facebook. Up until two or three days ago, the only possible emotion you could respond with to a post by one of your Facebook “friends” was a “thumbs up” icon that said “Like.”

As a result, when a friend posted something like this:

“Horrible day. My mother has contracted the SARS virus after having an affair with the delivery man from her local Chinese food restaurant. My father is being held captive by a crazed Albanian dwarf in the basement of a Theistic Satanism church. My piano playing cat was eaten by an elephant that can paint and the bank is foreclosing on my mother-in-law’s house so she’s coming to live with us!”

all you could do to respond was state “thumbs-up / Like.” Seriously? You “Liked” that?

Your posting friend thought you were a complete butthole (in not such nice terms) and posted that on Facebook:

“Dennis “Likes” everything that is happening to me? He is a butthole!!” (although she didn’t use that exact word.)

And then, all of your friend’s other “friends” posted the “thumbs-up / Like” regarding the fact that you were a butthole (in not such nice terms). As a result, you became a pariah. People would drive by your house and “egg” it. Your house started to smell. You eventually had to move out of the house. You were embarrassed to be seen in public and you ultimately ended up becoming a pirate on a Somalian pirate ship.

All because Facebook couldn’t figure out that “thumbs-up / Like” was not always the appropriate response to a post.

But, on February 24th they apparently thought they had figured it out and came out with the group of icons that you see at the top of the page:

  1. the good old “thumbs-up / Like”;
  2. something that is either a heart or, depending how you look at it, a picture of the naked behind of a person who is touching his/her toes, that is supposed to indicate “Love”;
  3. a smiley face that may be offensive to people of Asian heritage which purportedly means something is “Ha Ha” funny (no ROFL here!);
  4. a face that looks like someone who is about to perform a sex act that was, until 2003, illegal in 14 states, that stands for “Wow”;
  5. the face of what appears to be a manic depressive that signifies “Sad”; and
  6. an insane Charles Manson killer face with a sunburned head that represents “Angry.”

These are fine as far as they go, but there are a few icons that Facebook apparently overlooked.

For example, I believe there should be an icon that consists of a picture of one of those old fashion “Dunce” caps that used to be used in old time movies and cartoons which will stand for “No, numbskull. Bill Gates is not going to give you $5,000 for sharing his picture on Facebook! And neither is Mark Zuckerberg or Warren Buffett!!!”

There definitely needs to be an icon that shows a picture of “Marty Feldman” that you can click every time someone posts a picture of their child or grandchild that stands for the statement “I can tell who that kid got his/her looks from. So sorry.”

And, how about an icon of the State of Alaska that you can post whenever one of your friends posts another obnoxious political statement or picture touting their preferred moron of a candidate or insulting your clearly more intelligent choice because so many people’s votes have been swayed by what has been posted on Facebook. The icon represents the following: “Tell me again how you and Sarah Palin were born as conjoined twins sharing one brain?”

For every post of an animal or pet, Facebook should provide an icon of a picture of “road kill.” Every time a person posts a picture of his/her pet you can click the “road kill” icon and it will stand for the statement “Your pet is not a trained seal (unless of course your pet actually IS a trained seal, in which case this does not apply).” He/she hates that you feel compelled to report to the world on everything he/she does. STOP IT!!!” Whenever a person accumulates 10 “road kill” posts, a representative of PETA comes to the pet owner’s home and slaps the owner.

We need an icon depicting a pile of dog poop that stands for the sentiment “Why do you think I give a crap?” Clearly this can be used in a lot of different situations but I am thinking that I would use it primarily when someone puts up one of those “Checked in” posts bragging to the rest of us that they are in some warm vacation spot or at some over priced restaurant. I can assure you, the dog poops more poop than the amount of food that the “checked in” poster is going to get for his/her money at that pretentious eatery. And, the food is going to end up looking exactly like the dog poop in 24 hours, anyway!!

As just a general use icon, similar to the “Thumbs up / Like” icon, Facebook should have an icon depicting a raised middle finger. I don’t think we even need to specifically indicate what it means. But we sure need it!

And, finally, just as a personal request, Facebook, please create an icon that simply says”You’re a moron,” that I can use to respond to anything posted by my friend Marc because, frankly, he’s a moron.

Those are my preliminary recommendations. Let me know if you have any others!