I GLASSES

 

Geek DPLI recently saw an article on line that deals with a relatively new phenomenon. Well, not a phenomenon in the vein of the “pet rock” or “ass enhancement” but an apparent phenomenon nonetheless. And it is being done for reasons that escape me and will probably escape all living human beings who currently wear, or ever wore eyeglasses.

For some reason, people who do not now need to wear, nor have they ever needed to wear glasses, are choosing to spend money on eyeglass frames, filling them with clear, non-prescription glass and wearing them out in public solely as a fashion statement.

A fashion statement? Hmmm. Let’s think about that. Take a look at the wonderful statement of fashion, coolness and trend setting at the top of this article which I will call “Exhibit A.” This is me at the age of about 17. It is my senior class picture from my high school yearbook. Clearly there is nothing more fashionable than the guy with the glasses in this picture.

And remember, I probably picked the “best” of all the pictures that were taken to use as my senior picture. This is the picture by which I will forever be remembered, not only by my graduating classmates but by anyone and everyone who ever happens to want to look through the 1970 Beachwood High School Oculus. For the rest of eternity!

Oh, and I am being perfectly honest here, just this past Wednesday I received an e-mail from some website that helps you find long-lost former classmates, advising me that my high school year book is now available on their website, for the entire world to see!!

Take another look at “Exhibit A.” My coolness and suavitity (surely that should be a word) are unmistakable when one looks at this glimpse into the past. The way the frames sit cock-eyed on my nose was my own little fashion statement. And the way the thick, black frames go so well with my red-headed complexion. I will wait for another article to discuss the “bitchin’” haircut.

I am sure you have reached the indisputable conclusion that the high school senior pictured here was, to put it bluntly, a stud with an endless number of girls throwing themselves at his feet and offering themselves up to this dedicated follower of fashion. And you would be right. Except for the part about me being a stud. And about there being an endless number of girls. Or, even that any girl in my high school knew I attended the same school as they did.

I started wearing glasses when I was about two or three years old. I hated them. In fact, on more than one occasion the mailman (yes, back then they were called mailmen not postal delivery persons) found the eyeglasses that I had intentionally thrown away, and returned them to my mother. How did he know they were mine? Well, back in the 1950s, because apparently the pinkish, plastic glasses with the rounded stems that hooked behind your ears weren’t geeky enough, the eyeglass stores who made the glasses would also engrave your name on the stems! (F.U. Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren. I had my name on glasses long before you even thought of it!!)

For some unknown reason glasses for kids have to be the ugliest things ever created. As part of my research for this article I pulled out some grade school pictures of my daughters (yes, they were lucky enough to get my ultra-myopia (nearsightedness)). Now, other than having to take the credit for giving them the gene that caused them to require glasses, I will not take any of the blame for the glasses that they ended up wearing. That will have to go to my ex.

Normally she has exceptional taste (she picked me) and great fashion sense. Apparently that talent goes out the window for all women when it comes to choosing glasses for their school aged children. Just as my mother scarred me for life with the glasses she chose for me, I am pretty sure my children have been scarred by my ex’s spectacular spectacle choices.

I found one picture of Allison, which I am sure she must have thought had been shredded, burned and buried long ago, with a pair of blue framed glasses that were large enough to not only cover her entire face but, if they were around today, could be made into two 60 inch HD smart TVs. It is no wonder that today Allison suffers from a bad back after having to support those glasses on her face. It is also not surprising that Allison is now a fashionista and insists on doing her own shopping. Or that she wears contact lenses.

Not to be outdone, I also found a school picture of my youngest daughter, Stephanie, from about the same time period as the picture of Allison. Stephanie is pictured in a lovely pair of large, round, purple (that is not a misprint) glasses. I have seen public transit busses with windshields that aren’t as big as these glasses. Needless to say, Stephanie also wears contact lenses and now shops for the pair of eyeglasses her health insurance permits her each year, by herself.

We now use the girls’ old glasses as carports. We park the cars under them and the cars are fully protected from sun, rain, snow and sleet. I have offered them to the people at Progressive Field (where the Cleveland Indians play) to use as a dome to cover the field when it rains. I’m still waiting to hear back.

I would have included these pictures of my kids but apparently the pictures exhibit such incredible fashion statements that Allison and Stephanie were afraid all of their friends would be jealous and would de-friend them. They refused to give me the releases and waivers I needed. And they threatened to sue me. Or, worse, drop their glasses on me.

So, I am totally confused as to why anyone would want to voluntarily wear these hideous things on their face? A fashion statement? Think famous glasses wearers: Elton John, Whoopi Goldberg, Winston Churchill, Groucho Marx, Harry Potter, Woody Allen and Gilbert Gottfried. Fashion setters each and every one.

By the way. I got Lasik surgery several years ago. I am still working on my haircut.