Funny Money

Many of you are undoubtedly unaware of how much is currently going on in Australia (official name “The Commonwealth of Australia”); that country that also doubles as a continent and former prison colony for the British. By “how much is going on,” I mean, how much is going on there besides the citizens tying everyone’s kangaroos down and playing their didgeridoos. Or the massive killer crocodiles and snakes, gigantic poisonous jellyfish, deadly heat waves and catastrophic wild fires that rage out of control and … well you get it. (I could provide you with supporting website links but there are so many articles about the death trap that is Australia that the sheer number of links would use up more than my allotment of space and they might sic the Tasmanian Devil on me.)

And two lunatics I know (yes, I mean you, Paul Barnes and Andy Redden) who insist on walking around the whole country/continent dressed in funny clothing. They call it hiking. I say it’s walking. If you move one foot in front of the other and then repeat until your reach your destination, it’s walking. If you aren’t running, standing still, skipping, jumping or cascading uncontrollably down the side of a mountain screaming for help, you are walking. It’s really not that difficult. Even my 86-year-old mother can walk. Well, at least as of this morning.

Oh, and let me tell you about some Australian terrorist plot known as Vegemite that Australians pass off as a food product. Walking Paul had the unmitigated gall to slip several bottles of this toxic garbage into the borders of the United States (proof that our border patrol is being run by Barney Fife!) when he came here several months ago and gave me some to taste. Apparently, it is a staple of Australian life. After you taste it, I am sure you will want to staple your lips together so that no more Vegemite can get inside your mouth. I am firmly convinced that it was something created by prison authorities to feed to those original prison colony inhabitants that had been sentenced to a quick, but painful, death. Have you ever tried to eat your car’s motor oil after you have driven 20,000 or more miles with it?  A gallon (3.785 Australian liters for those who give a damn) of that glop would be preferable to eating a spoonful of Vegemite. If you don’t vomit within five seconds of the Vegemite (which is to be served on bread) touching your tongue, you must already be dead. In any event, you will wish you were dead once it hits your stomach. Don’t believe me? You can order some on E-bay or I defy you. Make sure your life insurance is paid up before trying it.

But, I digress. What I want to discuss in this article is the current online petition, thus far signed by more than 50,000 Aussie citizens (apparently high on Vegemite), calling on the Australian government (yes, they actually have a government; I think it is run by three wombats and two dingos) to change the name of their currency (currently the “Australian Dollar”) to the “Dollarydoo,” based upon a joke from a 1995 episode of the television show, “The Simpsons.” (I am just thinking out loud here, but why did it take 20 years for that episode to get from the United States to Australia?)

According to an Australian named Thomas Probst, who claims to be the person who put up the petition on-line, the proposed new name would stimulate the Australian economy by creating demand for the new Simpson inspired Dollarydoo currency.  According to Probst:

“This will make millions of people around the world want to get their hands on some Australian currency due to the real-life Simpsons reference, driving up the value of the Australian currency.”

Now the crazy part: Unlike in the United States, the Australian government doesn’t want to strengthen their dollar. In fact, the government (well, at least two of the wombats and one dingo) is trying to WEAKEN the value of their currency because their dollar is SO strong, it is too expensive for foreign buyers to purchase Australian goods. In fact, this past year has seen the Australian dollar devalued by 17%, and the Aussie government is thrilled! Apparently, because they are all upside-down down under and the blood has rushed to their heads!

Okay, so given that premise and the presumption that we almost always want (need) to increase the value of the American dollar here in the States, maybe we should consider renaming OUR “Benjamins” so as to get our economy off its ass. Let me propose some new monetary units based on existing American currency slang:

  • The Robert Dinero
  • The Jackson Fiver
  • The Dollar Bill Gates
  • The Kevin Bacon
  • The Chris Brown Smacker
  • The All the Singles, Ladies
  • The Fi’ty Cent Piece
  • The Joe Buck
  • The Louis C.K. Note
  • The Ms. Moneypenny
  • The Jed “Clam”pett
  • The Simoleon and Garfunkel
  • The Huck Fin
  • The Sawbucks Redemption
  • The I Don’t Give a Buck
  • The Greenback Packer

And my two personal favorites:

  • The Shekel Greene; and
  • The Sophia Vergara Big Ones

Let me know what you think.