WE’RE #1 AT SOMETHING

This week is, arguably, one of the greatest weeks in American epicurean (“devoted to the pursuit of sensual pleasure, especially to the enjoyment of good food and comfort”) history. This week, General Mills (no relation to General Eisenhower or General Contractor) announced that they were going to start producing Lucky Charms cereal that contains marshmallow only Lucky Charms! In other words, a cereal made strictly of candy. As close as they have come in the past, (think Cap’n Crunch), there has never, as far as I am aware, been a strictly candy cereal. This was every kid’s dream cereal when I was growing up, but is clearly a cereal that has been specially developed for, and targeted at, the attention deficit afflicted child of today. A cereal made solely of sugar with absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever.

Since they don’t yet make the marshmallow only Lucky Charms, I was unable to get the actual nutritional value of a cup of Lucky Diabetes, but the nutritional value of a cup of mini-marshmallows reads as follows: calories – 160; carbohydrates – 40g; sugars – 26g; protein – 0g. I am sure that General Mills will figure out a way to increase the calorie, carbohydrate and sugar content, and the increase in calories will undoubtedly take care of itself. I am also sure General Mills will figure out a way to market this box of instant increased insulin as a nutritious way to start your day. I pity the poor teachers who have to put up with those students who will be starting off their days with a heaping bowl full of instant sugar shock.

And wasn’t it just a few short weeks ago that Pizza Hut (no relation to Jabba The Hut) announced their hot dog crust pizza? 28 mini hot dogs wrapped in pizza crust, which announcement was quickly followed, with the release of the World Health Organization’s (“WHO”) findings that eating processed meat (i.e. hotdogs!) causes colon cancer and eating red meat probably does, too. My guess is that this announcement will result in Pizza Hut taking immediate action by adding more mini hot dogs to the crust and denouncing the WHO findings as being unsubstantiated, a plot by Hillary Clinton that will require a future congressional investigation, and another attempt to violate our constitutional right to bear meat.

This afternoon, shortly after I read about the WHO findings regarding red meat and processed meat, just for the heck of it I decided to meet (meat) a friend for lunch. I suggested the nearest Johnny Rockets; home of the “Smokehouse Double” burger that consists of two beef patties, bacon, onion rings, cheese and their super-secret smokehouse sauce, between a bun. 1,660 calories, 110 grams of fat and 2,660 milligrams of sodium on one plate! A heart attack, diabetes, osteoarthritis, gout, gall bladder disease and now cancer colon, to go. Does it get any more American than that??

I saw the manager of the restaurant, whom I am guessing must be Mr. Rocket (although he was very short so maybe he was Mr. Pocket Rocket) so I asked him what he thought of the report of the World Health Organization.

Me: WHO says that processed meats and red meats are unhealthy for you.

Mr. Rocket: Who said that?

Me: Right, WHO said that..

Mr. Rocket: That’s what I asked you. Who said that?

Me: Okay, Costello.

Mr. Rocket: “Hey, that World Health Organization only said that red meat “probably” causes colon cancer. They weren’t positive. If I told you Kim Kardashian’s ass could “probably” hide a Boeing 747 behind it, would that make it so? Okay, bad example. Ain’t nothing wrong with eating meat. It’s a plot by that anti-gay, chicken shit, whack job that owns Chick-fil-a. He’s just tryin’ to get people to stop eating meat and buy more of his crap. Did you ever see how chickens are raised? I wouldn’t eat that shit even if they topped it with our super-secret sauce. Meat is good for you. That’s what our ancestors, the caveman, lived on!”

My friend: “Yeah, but cavemen died in their 20’s. And they didn’t even eat the extra onion rings, super-secret sauce or cheese.”

Mr. Rocket: “They died young because they were eaten by saber tooth tigers.”

Me: “More proof that meat is bad for you.”

Mr. Rocket: “By the way, we are having a special this week, a Smokehouse TRIPLE! It comes with a coupon for a discount on a hospital stay of 2 days or more.”

He then grabbed his chest, keeled over and died. Okay, so none of that really happened. But it might as well have.

According to a recent survey, America is the #1 overweight country in the WORLD! We’re #1! We’re #1! Where did I put that stupid giant Styrofoam finger? And we’re getting bigger.

And, now we can add our eating habits to the new craze of “binge TV watching.” According to my main source of all information, Wikipedia, binge-watching is “the practice of watching television for longer time spans than usual, usually of a single television show.” This normally entails watching between two to six episodes without thinking or moving, except to get a snack, of course. Binge-watchers have often been confused for cadavers at medical teaching facilities.

I have been there. (For what it’s worth, my favorite binge-watching shows have been “Breaking Bad, Orange is the New Black, Orphan Black, Gotham … There are more but I think you see the problem.) My pants size has gone up proportionately to the number of episodes of each show I binge-watch because along with binge-watching, there is the mandatory binge-eating. Not long ago, Papa Johns installed a new special service in my house. I don’t have to call them anymore. I just flick a switch and a light goes on at the nearest Papa John’s indicating I need a refill on my large pepperoni and mushroom! I purchased a lifetime delivery plan that includes free delivery for the rest of my life and I can pass the plan on in my will to my beneficiaries.

It’s time to stop the insanity. I have officially decided to try to begin to think about possibly looking into maybe considering a plant-based diet. Right after I make a decision on that I will take under advisement the idea of ending my binge-watching.

At this rate, The United States will be the next Lost Continent of Atlantis. I can envision the entire country slowly sinking into the oceans with the last remnant of the United States to submerge being a McDonald’s sign with the slogan “Over 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pounds added.”